Behowl the Moon
by Shobogan
Summary: Ten drabbles. Ten defining moments in Remus Lupin's life.


I

I

The pain is overwhelming. His arm throbs in time with his frantic heart, and all he can smell is the blood, all he can see is feral yellow eyes, all he can hear are screams, and they must be his because he's choking on them.

The monster sneers at him, little boy lost, and Remus can only tremble on the damp ground, clutching his ruined arm and wailing for his parents.

They come, and chase the wolf away, but already he can feel it inside of him, and when he begs his mother to fix him she can only weep.

II

A month later, he transforms.

It hurts, it hurts like nothing he's ever known; his body shifts and bends and cracks, to let the monster emerge, and then it turns on itself when there is no prey to satiate the bloodlust that never really goes away; no humans to savor, infect.

He is left exhausted and scarred on the basement floor, small and ashen in the fetid darkness. When it's safe, his mother comes to hold him and tend to his wounds and put him to bed.

He wants to ask her to stay, next time, and knows he cannot.

III

It becomes, if not easier, normal; he begins to forget what it was like, being human. His parents will tell him he still is, this is only a sickness, but he knows better. He knows humans don't smell and hear and see like he does; can't run for hours without stopping; can't feel magic like he does.

Despite this, despite knowing him to be forever different, Professor Dumbledore take his hand, and tussles his hair, and promises him a place at Hogwarts. It won't be easy, he is warned; his curse must be borne alone.

Remus decides it's worth it.

IV

Despite the assurances of the Headmaster and the jubilation of his parents, he remains quiet and nervous on the Hogwarts Express.

Until a pair of boys barge into his compartment, gasping and laughing, all wild dark hair and bright eyes.

"Hey, mate, d'you mind if we stay here for a bit?"

Of course he doesn't, because he'll take any companionship he can find, no matter what they're running from, or how soon they'll leave.

They tell him their story, of condemning a family and defending a boy, and he decides he made the right choice.

They'll cross the lake together.

V

Sirius is the first to be Sorted, and then James, both to Gryffindor. He'd like to follow them, but he's sure the hat will tell him he's not good and brave and strong enough.

His hands shake as it covers his eyes.

_What do we have here? Ahhh, so you're the one, the little wolf cub._

I-I'm more than that!

Well of course you are, you wouldn't be here otherwise. Let's see…you're quite bright, and loyal, and there's quite the thirst to prove yourself…

S-So what, then? Which of those?

None! Why choose them, when you're such a brave child?

VI

Eventually, they learn what he is. James and Sirius are quite brilliant, when they want to be, and Peter isn't far behind; it was only a matter of time.

He expects rejection, prepares himself for solitude and isolation, but it never comes. He can see the nerves in Peter's eyes, the conflict in Sirius', but they nod their agreement as James gently berates him for keeping the secret.

"So really, you're an idiot, Remus, because I don't care what else you are, you're one of my best friends."

Shock becomes indignation becomes delight, because he sees sincerity in them all.

VII

Next time, when he awakes, his three friends surround him, under the watchful, tender gaze of Madam Pomfrey. Sirius grins widely and tells him how horrible he looks, as he helps check the bandages; Peter fusses and fluffs his pillows and adjusts his blankets; James presents him with a giant bar of chocolate he mysteriously procured the other day.

It's utterly overwhelming, but he protests when Pomfrey suggests they leave him to rest; he wants to cherish this as long as he can, because he's sure it will end eventually; certainly they'll grow weary of it all.

They never do.

VIII

After years of research and practice, his three friends achieve the remarkable, all in the name of helping him bear his curse. It's dangerous, and unlawful, but that's par for the course for the Marauders.

He watches as they transform, ignoring any pangs of envy at the swift, smooth beauty of it, the intelligence shining in their animal eyes.

James becomes a stag, robust and noble; Sirius a dog, earnest and unruly; Peter a rat, shrewd and swift.

It's the strangest pack a wolf has ever had, but as the full moon rises, he accepts them still, and they him.

IX

It is in their seventh and final year that they vow to fight the Dark Lord.

They sit in the Common Room, long after everyone else has retired to their beds. Every face is grim and determined in the dim, flickering light of the fire.

Sirius swears that he'll never let his family's bigotry ruin the world.

James honours the ideals he held even as a haughty child.

Remus refuses to let intolerance burden any more children.

Peter trembles, but whispers his agreement, and it is no less sincere.

They are ready to fight, and to die, protecting their world.

X

He was never ready to lose.

He was never ready to be the last one standing.

He returns from his mission and finds three dead to the world, one dead to him, and a baby boy without a family.

His heart shuts down as everyone around him celebrates the fall of Voldemort, his death at a child's hands. Every laugh sears his mind like a brand; ever pitying whisper turns his stomach.

The War may be over for them; it rages still in his chest, and it never stops.

Not for the last time, he wishes it was him instead.


End file.
